:)

so i usually use this blog as a space for me to pass on humorous anecdotes, amusing observations, and occasionally racists antics to friends and family. i recently received an email from a friend asking "what was up with my blog? why no writing as of late? you're a funny writer." that struck me. i haven't been blogging, and it's something that i started to do to remind myself of the lovely events that pepper my life. it's not that super outrageous things happen to me on a daily basis; it's just that i try to be very aware of what's going on around me and i happen to find lots of things incredibly comical. lately that's been harder for me to do. that is, it's been more difficult for me to see the fantastic, wonderful, interesting things that enter and exit my life. as many of you know, the last few months have been extremely hard for me; i lost my best friend and partner when our relationship fell apart, i moved to a different part of the country where the average age of folks is 65, and i'm working several jobs that are culturally and intellectually stifling. the pain of the dissolution, lack of local support network, and frustration with my surroundings has been often times unbearable, and although i've tried my best to deal with it all of it as best i can, hurt like that is not something that i am able to intellectualize away. it comes out. comes out when i'm making breakfast, when i'm lighting a bunsen burner, when i'm falling asleep at night. i think i'm starting to realize that this heartache is not something that i can expect to just disappear; it's going to be something that is a part of me for some time, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it has to govern how i function. there are wonderful people in my life, there are hilarious situations happening all the time, there are reasons to be smile and be grateful. and just because you're grateful doesn't mean you're ignoring or stifling the pain. it means you're looking beyond that immediate hurt and letting yourself feel good again. so that's what i'm doing. the blog is back.

so with that, today i listened to a student say to his friend, ""i mean, could you imagine a reeces the size of a car tire? do you know how good that would be?" he's a senior.

breaking point... reaching... reaching... and hit

much like the moon blasting of last week, my breaking point has been reached. in case my faithful readers have forgotten, i am teaching at one high school (see racists below) and two colleges. one of these colleges has proven to be an incredibly frustrating one to teach at. i've not taught college before, but i'm assuming that the students registered at such an institution are coming with a certain set of knowledge-based and practical skills. i remember college. i remember my first year of college. i remember you had to get your stuff together pretty quickly and adjust your study habits to the requirements of the class. so when i have to use the same lectures i used with my 8th grade students last year for my college students, something's going wrong. when i can lecture for 100 minutes straight and not ONE STUDENT asks a question, something's messed up. when i pose a question to a class, the same question i asked middle school students, and not one person says anything, perhaps our definition of college-able student needs to be reevaluated. it's not the lack of knowledge that really kills me, it's the apathy. it's unbelievable. and today was it. i was done.

the question i posed: "why might genetic diversity be a good thing?" i'm looking for anything. anything at all. doesn't have to be right... just ideas. .... 10 seconds..... 20 seconds...... 30 seconds. nothing. not a peep. i decided to call their bluff. another 10 seconds..... still nothing. i'm so mad. i then say "seriously? my eighth graders would come up with something. anything." a girl in the front row says "what was the question?" and then the girl behind her blows a huge bubble and pops it. TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOU. i will not be sad to not be teaching at that school next semester.

any doubt racism still is a problem?

My motivation for remaining a part of the Vermont teaching community is at an all-time low. And for good reason. I received a message this past Friday from the Catholic high school I work at saying there was going to be a meeting for football players, their parents, and faculty. I had no idea what was going on and called the school office. The story: every Friday afternoon, after football practice, the football players gather for what is called "Church chat." They stand in front of the big church across the street from our school and get all pumped up by yelling things. Some of the things they yell (and my stomach is churning right now thinking about typing them) are "Kill *the n-word,* kill f-ggts, kill jews." No, I am not making this up, and no, you have not been transported back to 1950. A few of the football players who knew that this was INSANELY MESSED UP reported this to the administration and faculty and the team was made to forfeit the game on Saturday, do a community service project, and issue a public apology. The meeting on Friday night was to talk about all of this. I CANNOT in any way describe the insanity I witnessed at the meeting. Parents screaming about how great their kids are, who is it that's offended by this?", the punishment is way too severe, the principal (who is amazing and was called an asshole by one of the parents as they walked in the building) is unfairly punishing their children, etc. I was sitting in the back (having had one glass of wine before the meeting) absolutely stunned, shocked, and pissed. I raised my hand and delivered a soft-spoken, intelligent little speech on how important it is that we show the community that this behavior unacceptable, blah blah blah, and the people went NUTS on me. The football coach (who has a mullet, wore sweatpants, and no doubt lifts weights in his basement whilst looking at a poster of Cheryl Tiegs) gave some moronic response, staring at me the whole time, and at one point walking toward me like he was going to punch me. I asked the teacher sitting next to me whether I had just entered the Twillight Zone. BECAUSE I HAD. An hour and 1/2 of racist, in-bred justifcations for the football players followed, and the next time I spoke I was so pissed I started crying. I asked the players to repeat the words they had said but they refused, saying that was irrelevant. When I expressed how upsetting their behavior was, the response of one of the players was that that was my personal reaction, that that was my own thing to deal with. Yep.... it was my fault I was too sensitive. We had a teacher's meeting following the circus and so many people were crying, absolutely shocked by what they had just witnessed. It's one thing to be involved in a school where there's an issue of cultural insensitivity and the school community is willing to combat it, meet it head-on and deal with it. It's something completely different when you have a handfull of teachers (and a brave, amazing principal) who are fighting a battle against the establishment, trying eight hours a day to combat the racist, close-minded messages these kids are receiving at home. And I'm not 100% convinced that all of the teachers are on the same page.

So where I am with this now: still upset, go to bed thinking about it, wake up thinking about it. I know that the behavior of these kids and their parents is not at all a reflection of me and my convictions, but it's incredibly hard to think about working at an institution where a substantial number of folks think this way and are imparting their bigotry on their students. I've made the decision that unless something happens IMMEDIATELY, and by something I mean instituting sensitivity programs, weekly meetings on diversity awareness, etc., I am resigning in December. Unless those programs become part of the regular curriculum, nothing is going to change. And I'd much rather put my energy elsewhere. I already feel embarassed to tell people I work at the school, frightened that the idiocy these players have demonstarted is being assigned to all associated with the school. And did I mention this is a Catholic, Christian institution? Makes perfect sense.

just another day in class...

during my anatomy and physiology class this week, we were discussing different organelles of the cell and arrived at the lysosome. as i'm discussing the function of the lysosome (destroying things that a cell doesn't want around, like bacteria and stuff), a student in the front row says "oh.. is that why it's called the suicide sack?" i looked at him and asked him to repeat what he just said. "suicide sack... the book says that it can explode and kill the cell... is that why it's called the suicide sack?" i responded with "please stop saying the word sack" and then tried answering the question as best i could before my response fell apart... and it ended with "i'm sorry, all i can think about right now is sacks. and by sacks i mean testicles. and specifically yours." and there's the advantage of teaching adults.

boo hiss carbon

who thought those three little words could mean so much?

i am jumping headfirst into eco funness up here. last night i met with a group in rutland that coordinates and sponsors a ton of events bringing awareness to sustainability and the environment. there's going to be a big event on october 24 = the international day of climate action (check out www.350.org). the day is about making people aware of the impact they are having on the climate due to their carbon contributions... and a lot of business are sponsoring events around the number "350" (for 350 parts per million of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere). the yoga studio is doing 350 minutes of yoga, a church is doing 350 minutes of prayer.. and no, you do not need to be there the whole time for either of those. my students and i are going to make big CO2 molecules out of junk/trash and put them on display downtown. very exciting.....

so we're talking about all the different events we're doing and how we're going to coordinate/organize them.. and can i say how awesome it is to sit next to a 90-year-old church-going lady who keeps mumbling about how much she hates walmart. talk eventually turns to getting a big banner put up downtown that says something like "sustainable rutland: ways to reduce your carbon footprint." and then i pipe in with "OR..... boo hiss carbon." mind you, i have only met one of these people at the table one time before. an older woman looks at me and says "what did you say?" i mumble "boo hiss carbon," and she looks at the head lady and says "oh, that's good. write that down." i start laughing so hard that i have to pull my scarf over my face to hide my blushing and quickly reddening face. the older woman than comments on how creative i am, and i tell her that if "boo hiss carbon" makes it onto a banner i will have to remove myself from the group. cus that's outrageous. a huge banner with BOO HISS CARBON may be hanging in downtown rutland. and she kept saying it and pointing at me and smiling this big "oh that's good" smile for the remaining 45 minutes of the meeting. boo hiss indeed.

so much eco in your face

i am on an eco mission. you would think that a high school in vermont, a private one at that, would be all up on recycling and conservation and sustainability and such. but no. my high school is into sports and sports... and then sports. it's fairly odd and most of the times rather disconcerting. nevermind the fact that the football team got schmucked 66-8 last weekend... my previous attempts at starting conversation about a recycling club were met with "well, that club will take kids away from sports." IDIOTS. luckily, there are several faculty that are on the same wavelength i am and aren't huge dingbats. this week i met with folks from sustainable rutland, a group that promotes eco awareness and all that fun stuff, and we had a two hour brainstorming session about ways to get my high school involved in the movement. and what ideas we had! community gardens, recycling, composting in the lunch room... i am officially insanely excited. so i mention this to the science faculty at our monthly faculty meeting... and let me preface this by saying that most of the meeting was spend listening to an ancient faculty guy moaning about how much work the science fair is. so much work. SO MUCH WORK. really? are you serious? a lot of work if you are lazy and uninterested in your students. anyway, when i mentioned the community gardens and the whole eco club thing, it was met with "well.. you need to remember that the sports team sometimes use that field when their other field has water in it." OUTRAGEOUS. a huge green space with ZERO going on in it that could be utilized in such an amazing way. heaven forbid the squash team can't toss their little ball around. and may i say the first person to sign up for my club was a burly, big football player. :)

frosting by day, mega dance machine by night

apparently i needed to dance. and dance i did. and a little more than that. my cousin melissa's wedding last weekend in wisconsin was amazing. and fantastic. and she asked the DJ to play "the humpty dance" because she knows i love it and would bust out some crazy white girl dance moves on the dance floor. and then vomited profusely. my sister also told me i looked like i was made of frosting, which may be the best compliment i have ever received. i told more than one relative that melissa paid me $50 to stand on the wedding cake at the reception. i could have. and by the end of the night would have. other highlights from the weekend: building a mouse maze for my sister's awesome pet mouse Red. i only participated in the initial building stages, but i did get to make some sweet ropes for him to climb from the first to the third level on... climb up in the shadow of a great american flag and posters of other successful mice, i.e. Gus Gus, Mickey, the Great Mouse Detective. and proton didn't like me gone and slept in my suitcase the night i got back.

in other news, two kids from the high school i teach at were suspended because they yelled "heil hitler" and gave a nazi salute to a german exchange student during his spanish presentation. that's right. this kid is fluent in at least two languages, probably pretty ok in another, and these two yokels think it's super funny and awesome to scream third reich nonsense at him. and did i mention it's the football quarterback and another football douchebag? yep. lucky for all of us, their suspension won't affect their playing in the football game on saturday. did i mention i won't be teaching at this school next year?