dowser

"i'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member." groucho marx + woody allen

and for me, and my particular neurosis, that club would include the dating community. hmm... you're interested in me? then obviously there's something seriously messed up with you so no... now that you've asked me out i'm afraid we can't do that.

so that leaves me in this interesting predicament. what i want to be doing: dating... and dating someone nice. what scares the absolute crap out of me: dating... and dating someone nice. dating assholes? PERFECT. emotionally unavailable? EVEN BETTER. different life goals? WONDERFUL. i'm totally cool and comfortable and experienced with all of that... in fact, i dare say i am a dowser of sorts in that department. put me in a room of men and i will no doubt unintentionally perform one of two, or perhaps two, miracles: find the most emotionally unavailable single man AND/OR get hit on by a married one. that's right... both of those things could happen in the same night. i was at a one-year-old's birthday party last weekend and very quickly became aware that all of the men at the party were married... i, the single unintentional married man pheromone-secreting temptress, had stepped into a dangerous, dangerous den of married men and tiny tots and snow cone machines. not a good situation.

so, do i continue with this on-line dating thing and work to get myself comfortable with dating? or do i completely abandon it because as soon as someone is interested i figure out ways to wriggle my way out of it? there's still that romantic part of me that wishes for the unexpected meeting of someone and making that great fantastic BOOM YOU'RE AWESOME connection... the problem is my non-drinking movie-loving craft-obsessed homebody self who is getting really good at keeping to herself. and skyping with my sis and her friend and their adorable japanese boyfriends who, although speaking minimal english, managed to stutter out "single? why single?" was perhaps another good kick in the pants. they didn't seem convinced by my excuses... which included being a heavy meth user and spending five years of my life as a pirate.

it's done....

done forever. the big summer nerd camp. the six weeks of pure insanity. the.......:
1- very sneakily walking up to children that do not get scolded (because they're the well-behaved nerdballs of their classes) and putting my face three inches away from their face and quietly saying "get. off. the. chain." (the chain on campus these kids would sit on) with a deadpan face, invoking absolute terror.
2- telling 12-year-old hornballs to stop making out on the grass. cus it's 9 a.m. and you're getting more action than i am.
3- yelling "hey, seriously?! does that seem like a good idea?" to the oddball kid who recorded himself farting on a previous occasion but at the time of the screaming incident was throwing large pieces of concrete as hard as he could onto the brick walkway. he stopped with arms raised, holding another large rock, and said "no." right. stop it.
4- wondering whether i am overreacting regarding the ok-ness of the day where girls dress as boys and boys dress as girls... which really turns more into an opportunity for kids to make fun of those individuals who live their lives as transvestites... or at least incorporate it into their lifestyle. i think i'm going to fight this day of "festivities" next year. plus, 12-year-old boys walking around wearing skimpy tank tops and mini-skirts and STILL trying to play frisbee is unacceptable.
5- screaming "GET OFF THE DNA!" to a kid that was walking on a 20-foot DNA chalk drawing my students made. i then asked him to not pee on the drawing. he craned his neck and looked at the back of his legs.... checking, i assume, to make sure he wasn't peeing. he wasn't.
6- convincing students that the highest levels of our atmosphere are held in place by pixies, that orangutans are the original architects of New Wave, and that holding your breath can cause your height to decrease precipitously over time.
7- being treated to students dressing up as Drosophila for presentations. amazing and wonderful and delightful.

a-RAD-HANA!!!!

last week the big summer camp nerd dance was themed "dirty laundry." students were encouraged to wear mismatched clothes.... which really has nothing to do with dirty laundry or not having enough clothes to wear and really, if we're going to be honest, 65% of these nerdballs walk around wearing mismatched clothes on a daily basis. SO, although i encouraged my students to show up in the dance wearing the dirtiest clothes they have, they did not. BUT, one of my students did something far far far beyond adorable.

her name: aradhana. i mispronounced her name the first time i tried saying it, but if i exclaimed it like a telenovela character or bollywood heartthrob, it came out just right. so now, she is "a-RAD-HANA!" and i usually say her name while shaking my fist in the air. she also is the student that thought PCR = CPR = she's the best. she's also told me that her family in india (she flew over for this nerd camp) gather every sunday to talk about the week's activities, and apparently all of them know who i am, as aradhana is keeping a running log of the outrageous things i say in class. and she reports these statements/utterances/streams of consciousness to her adorable grandmother and grandfather, who i picture as these noble indian treasure troves of knowledge and grace and yep... they're being entertained by how many times i say the word "penis," or my attempt to explain how cutting a restriction site in half prevents its being used as a site of PCR primer annealing by likening it to cutting someone's leg off at the knee and not connecting two parts before attaching the splint. there was a stick figure drawing. or how the idea that an HIV vaccination prevents you from contracting the virus could lead to lots of more..... "dirty sexy time." did i mention her parents are coming to conferences this friday?

but back to why this girl is amazing... besides the fact she's incredibly brilliant and kind and just a joy... for the "dirty laundry" dance she wore a hamper. A HAMPER ON HER HEAD. she walked around with her adorable self wearing a hamper. that, my friends, is another reason why i love teaching and i love teaching kids.

this week my students are giving presentations on some Drosophila, a.k.a. fruit fly, experiments they did. they were working on their posters today and aradhana maybe said that she and her partner were going to dress up as fruit flies. i will seriously lose my mind if i get to listen to a ten minute presentation on the mode of inheritance of eye color from two ginormous and adorable Drosophila. lose. my. mind.