apparently i'm getting uber crafty

there's more... i'm loving them





so today i'm sitting in my classroom and the icky math teacher strolls on in. he's icky for a variety of reasons, but his obsession with TI-83s and any other calculator the TI family might put out is frightening. FRIGHTENING. he's lost in mind in faculty meetings before when people brought up online books, as though they have been produced by the robot army that is slowly working its way through the bowels of technology, counting the minutes and days until the powerful TIs will be removed from their throne of moving sine graphs. so he strolls in and sort of looks at me and then says "so the students are saying that you've resigned." i tell him that yes, yes i have, and he then stares at me for about 30 seconds. 30 seconds of nothing except glassy, TI-strained, bloodshot eyes. then he sort of looks down and kind of makes these snorty/exhalation noises like a horse, then starts talking to me about....... yep, calculators. after a few minutes of that, he says "well... if you're leaving for personal reasons.. i just.... i mean, if it's personal... i just really think you should give (the school) a chance." i think i said something like "well, i appreciate your opinion." and then threw a TI-83 on the floor and danced in its shattered plastic splatter.

rhett butler... you are divine

yesterday i went to the movies to see gone with the wind. the local theatre here was playing it on the big screen, and since i had never seen, i figured seeing it in a proper-style theatre with lots of old people would be the way to go. and was it ever. FOUR HOURS. the movie is four hours. and no one in the theatre died during those four hours. thankfully. but i was neck-deep in little old ladies (and suspiciously, very few old men.... but then i realized they were all probably dead), many of whom were wearing fur coats and were incredibly dolled-up. very cute. and the movie was great and i officially have a huge crush on rhett butler. stupid scarlett. ashley's a total dud and gross-looking and rhett was so great and funny and dashing and charming and ugh. what an idiot. ol' ethel next to me was just as irritated as i was.

my latest project: making frames out of old books. and i'm loving them. they're aged and rough and cute and will look really rad hanging up. with sexy lady photos in them.

and in case the zebra comment didn't get you....

i just remembered something else mr. bright pants said. he told me he used to fill in at the high school i resigned from. he asked about what happened with the football team, and when i told him what they shouted and the aftermath, he responded with "i taught those kids. those are all good kids. there's not a racist in the bunch." really? i am so goddamn tired of that response to what these kids did. how exactly do you define what a racist is? if yelling "kill n***ers" doesn't fall into your definition, maybe you need readjust your criteria. what exactly does it take to be considered a racist around here? lynching? being a part of the KKK? i would say that being a subtle racist still makes you a racist, but it's not even about subtlety! you screamed for the destruction of other groups of people based on their race, sexual identity, and religious affiliation. that makes you a racist, homophobe, and anti-semite. done.

don't tell me zebras can't be domesticated

last night i went out for drinks with some folks and had a relatively ridiculous interaction with an older man sitting to my left. i brought the book i was reading to the restaurant because i'm a nerd and always have a book with me in case i'm sitting there waiting for someone. which i was. the book: Guns, Germs, and Steel. an interesting book that discusses why it is that european culture came to be the prevalent world culture, why it is the europeans tended to be the conquering folks, etc. very compelling and fun and thought-provoking. and written by a guy who won a macarthur genius grant, so obviously the guy's not a total moron. so my friend shows up and i set the book down, little knowing that the older man who's about to sit on my left is about to feast his eyes on it and get a little wacky. i actually take notice of the older man when i glance over and see his incredibly bright orange pants. not hunting pants, just bright orange. since i have my own pair of bright orange pants that i love, i didn't fault him for it, just made the observation. so then a couple of minutes later, he says "so what do you think of that book?" i respond by saying the author poses really interesting theories and ideas and blah blah. well, this guy counters back with how he's a history teacher and this book really ignores huge things, and how people take the book as the bible when really the fact of the matter is that some people ARE really superior to other people and don't try telling him that you can't domesticate zebras because he's seen it. wow. i try to say that the author isn't necessarily trying to ignore those other factors, but is attempting to explain history from an angle that hasn't been done much before. he continued on with how he had to substitute teach at a school and they made him play some film about how a white woman converted to islam and went to mecca and how great her experience was, but they weren't telling the whole story and as an american he wants the truth. ARE YOU KIDDING? and yes, his wife/partner/mistress was sitting next to him, but by this point he was practically in my lap and things were getting uncomfortable. i managed to escape for a little bit, but then later in the evening, and after some wine, it started up again... this time with him trying to get me to taste his chardonnay, me absolutely refusing and telling him that was gross, and then him leaning in and saying "you're cute." no... i'm not. but, i do know you have lots of ties and you should donate them to me for the ecofest stuff i'm doing. get out of my lap.

why i love kids

there are two boys in my high school class who are.... let's just say they aren't necessarily the types to turn their homework in or stay on task or always have their shoelaces tied. but they are also very bright kids who are exceptionally sweet and come from houses where there is a lot of yelling and little attention paid to them. i have a soft spot for both of them and have really worked to reinforce the great things they do and keep them motivated and get them involved and pretty much remind them on a daily basis that they are good kids. i think one of them is taking my leaving rather hard because i am one of the teachers that he gets along with and is able to talk to. and it's leaving those kids that is the hard part of all of this.... those kids that so easily get pushed aside because they are "problem" kids... that problem being that they come from awful social and emotional situations that they don't know how to deal with.

so i check my email today and waiting for me is a message from one of these kids:

Dear Dr. L

I'm very sorry for the students at XXX and hope you can forgive us. Now I can really see why you are doing what you are doing. I am apologizing for the jerks and myself for being a problem in your class. I did not mean to be a problem sometimes it just happens and well i guess XXX feels the same way he may seem to be a pain but deep down he must be good. For all of the other kids in our school i can not say much others feel the same but I am trying to stop the mean things being said about you.

and that's why kids are awesome.

mad as a hatter. so mad.

i guess i was naive to assume that my resigning would go smoothly. but some part of me thought that considering all the times i have spoken to people at the school about my frustration with both the incidents of hate-speech and disrespect from students they wouldn't necessarily be that shocked at my leaving. but they were. shocked and angry. and it's hard to tell where exactly those reactions are coming from. it's almost as though they are shocked that i would really, for real, resign on principle. resign because i will not associate myself with a place that tolerates and silently excuses hate. i won't do it.

the angry reaction is a little bit harder to dissect. and let me say that the anger i have had directed at me since resigning is far more intense than anything i saw the football team receive during their hate-speech bonanza. i think part of that anger comes from a warped sense of loyalty, or a warped sense of loyalty that some people feel i should have. loyalty either to them as people or to the school in general. then another part of it comes from embarrassment. and then another part.... it seems as though people like to talk about all these changes that are going to happen to curb the intolerance, but nothing happens. and then when i decide to do something and resign, the first reaction people have is anger because my resignation indeed indicates that something really is wrong and they're standing around and letting it happen. that for all the talk going on, there is no action being taken. and talk is important, but if you're not going to follow up on anything, then you're just going through the motions to make yourself feel better. and i of course realize that my leaving, i'm removing a person from the school who was working hard to make these changes happen. but when you're one person bashing your head up against the wall and getting punched in the face by gross racists, perhaps it's time to walk away. my leaving is one of the few repurcussions i have actually seen at the school. you act like this, you refuse to take action, then i walk away. but i'll probably be ducking in case you try throwing anything at my head. grossos.

passion pit of passion... i love that band

hilarious/frightening treat of the day: on a female college student's homework: "a pap smear is when a woman usually 18 years and older go to a doctor and get tested for cancer in their boobs." my written response: "who is your doctor?"

and in my anatomy class today, i reminded my students to make sure that they wrap their dissected cats in wet paper towels... because "nobody likes a dry pussy. what? did i just say that out loud?" yep. yep i did.

so my resignation has been submitted and i am counting the days. i've come to realize that it isn't the actions of the students that are moving me to leave, it's the complete apathy of the faculty and staff. COMPLETE AND UTTER APATHY. and if there's one thing i may add to my list of "things i abhor," it's apathy. and that goes across the board: apathy in regards to social issues, sexy-time relationships, politics, you name it. show some passion! how can you not being worked-up about being in love, or being surrounded by racist idiots, or making the best goddamn sugar cookies you've ever made in your life?! being excited and ethusiastic about people and places and things you love doesn't make you some sort of infantile who's missing the bigger picture. it may just be that you do see the bigger picture and that's all the more reason to be excited about what's going on right in front of you. denying yourself those small moments of excitement, and sometimes infuriation, leaves a space where that visceral, emotional connection just might be. good or bad, those emotions are beautiful and frightening and challenging and a gorgeous reflection of the energy you are bursting with. i love it. i love that energy and i love that passion. and i love people who aren't afraid to show it. like my sisters. we built a mouse maze for andrea's pet mouse red and that was one of the most exciting and awesome projects ever. in the history of the world. no, it wasn't when we were kids, it was three months ago. rope swings, forest made of pencils, paper towel tower... amazing! hug some exciting person tonight... :)

that bastard dr. moreau

this morning i told my high school chemistry class about this crazy book i just read called The Island of Dr. Moreau. i figured that none of them had ever heard of it, or H.G. Wells for that matter, and i was right. they asked me to describe what happens and i did, making sure to talk up the outrageous creatures and the questionable ethics of one dr. moreau and when i was finished the reigning pumpkin princess exclaimed "wait, is anyone on to this guy? where is his island?" i assured that that there was no real dr. moreau and that mr. wells wrote this and many other science fiction novels/stories to shed light onto advances in the sciences and their unforseen consequences. i'm not sure she was convinced. she seemed a little more at ease when another student mentioned they had seen the movie and it was real messed up. i'm now reading Guns, Germs, and Steel but i think their heads might explode if i tried to explain what they was about... and that it's nonfiction.

in other news, i went to my first auction yesterday and bought two paintings... actually one painting and one woodblock etching. so exciting! of course i bid within the first twenty-five items and when i secured my first painting i squealed with delight. the aunctioneer looked at me and said "first auction? i can't tell." and then started laughing super hard. hells yeah it's my first auction and you're lucky i dont have more money or i would have swiped that pair of oriental lamps with grazing deer on them from under your nose.

and i'm outtie...

1- i graded anatomy and physiology exams yesterday and two students used "cock block" when describing the role of tropomyosin in muscle contraction. awesome.

2- i was raised to never quit anything. that you always see things through, finish projects to completion, even if and especially when they get difficult. but as i've aged, i've found that there are situations when walking away is a little bit different than quitting. that doesn't always make it any easier, but situations aren't always as emotionally vacant as finishing a cross-stitch pattern of the berenstain bears. that being said, i have decided to put in my 30-day notice at the high school. i had a very long discussion today with the new person in charge of development at the school today and was shocked by how far up the school foodchain the apathy and warped priorities go. the poor guy is just at appalled as i am and also has the added joy has of hearing stories from his son (a freshman nerdy type) about how much he wants to learn but he can't because of the other students yelling and swearing at the teachers. OUTRAGEOUS. i also discovered the belligerant student i had the run-in with has not paid his tuition in three years. so not only is he abusive, he's being abusive for free. mr. development and i also had a very insane exchange when both of us talked about how we are physically afraid of the football coach and football players and are waiting to walk out to the parking lot to see our cars either keyed or the windows bashed in. these are reasonable fears we have because we stand up for normal nice things.

incidents of racist and sexist and homophobic dialogue are still not being addressed and the majority of faculty and administration seem to find it acceptable to keep passing the "tolerance torch" around. as in, "i'm not sure what to do, why don't we form a subcommittee and they can figure it out. " students are not punished for disrespectful behavior, academic achievement is minimal, faculty are drowning in their own apathy, the football coach is still on-staff, and i am tired of being the radical lesbian bitch who tells students to stop swearing and wants them to be smart. and the lack of support from the administration is the final straw. and did i mention i'm only working part-time? so tomorrow my letter of resignation is going in. and i can spend more time with my dog and eco dorks. i miss dorks so much.

hate? yep... hate

i don't hate many things. in fact, i try really hard to not actually hate anything. except beets. they're super gross. but i don't allow my students to use the word "hate" and encourage them instead to use interesting, fun words like "abhor" and "detest." it makes them seem much smarter and less limited. but i think something i really hate, in the purest sense of the word, is cancer. cancer and apathy, but that's another blog. i hate cancer because it's greedy and insatiable. i hate the way it tears at families and folks and robs them of security and futures. and granted, i can see the ways that these upheavals in comfort can actually promote bursts of enlightenment and gratitude, but does it have to go about it in such a nasty way? does it have hit up my cousin at age 20 with leukemia that keeps her in treatments for years, and just when she's on her way out, it hits her mom with breast cancer? was it really necessary? did it think that aunt monny wasn't taking it seriously enough? that it had to come in for round 2? unfortunately for the cancer, it hasn't seen our family dance at family weddings and has no idea how badly we're going to kick its ass.

the outlier

unfortunately all this mess is not just in my head. and by mess, i mean the not-so-subtle "boo hiss dr. larson" attitudes at the high school i am teaching at. my eco club committee has dwindled down to three students, my interactions with students i've never interacted with but have a certain association with a certain sports team are confrontational and aggressive at best, and yesterday i had a particularly ridiculous run-in with a student who likes sucking face with his girlfriend in the hallway. the result of my asking them to refrain from such activity was me writing up an incident report because the kid went ballistic on me. and where might all this antagonism stem from? from my being vocal about the hate-speech that was/is perpetrated by the school football team. i was really, really hoping this was all in my head, but this morning the principal told me that in his "apologetics" class, football players continue to bring up my name, that they are still confused by what point i was trying to make. hmmm... if i didn't think you were a racist, misogynistic, misguided, intellectually and emotionally-stunted person i might take the time to explain it to you. but you are, and i have other things to do. i have to say it legitimately make me sad to realize that no, i am not reading the signals wrong, and that yes, these kids are having whatever brain cells remain warped into thinking that i am the enemy here. that my intellect and fortitude are threatening and should be met with disrespectful and ignorant behavior. it's sad and frustrating and angering.

and to sort of top it off, i had an interview yesterday with a gentleman on a committee determining if discussed high school should join some association, and after our discussion he remarked "you're really an outlier here." granted, it made me happy that he should use the term "outlier" (but he is a physics teacher and thought my joke of teaching empathetic and empirical thought was funny), but my response was "well, if thinking that being nice to each other is really important makes me an outlier, i'm an outlier." and as another teacher who i really like and respect told me today, "you are the pink, commie liberal here." awesome. where can i get a huge-ass poster of stalin?