there's a reason substitutes have a reputation

thursday i was out sick with the flu. i felt bad about not going in because the students have an exam on monday and i wanted to make sure that everything had been covered. all sympathy for these children masquerading in pre-teen bodies disappeared when i returned to my classroom on friday and discovered that a class of mine broke one of my funky science gadgets. there was some note on it from the substitute (who is a story in himself) saying "sorry, 848 broke your newton's cradle. can fix with fishing line." problem #1: this cradle was on my desk = personal items = booger-coated children's hands should not be touching it. problem #2: there's no way the students should have even been out of their desks. i also hear reports from other teachers who have classes near mine that the kids were absolutely out of control and super loud and rather obnoxious. so, i'm mad at the kids for being doofuses, and also at the substitute because he let things get out of hand.

and let's give a little background on this substitute. i was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because he's an adult and i heard the kids kind of making fun of him, but after my own interaction with him, yah... he's creepy and gross. a couple of weeks ago i was in the teacher's lounge making copies and he comes in. we say hello, and then i continue on with my stapling, hoping and wishing that i don't have to engage in idle chit-chat with this guy. he's sitting at the computer, and even though i have my chin buried into my chest and am stapling away, i can feel him staring at me. he finally says "so, what'd you get your phd in?" i tell him, he keeps staring, then says "wow, we're sure lucky to have you." um.. ok. stop looking at me and get your beady, undressing eyes back on the screen. i think i said "sometimes" and got up to check my copies... willing the copy machine to jam so i can really focus on something else. so Creepo McSub is sitting at the computer when he all of a sudden exclaims "oh man, they finally found the guy who killed my friend." shit. shit. shit. how do you not ask what that's about? so i make the mistake of asking what that's about, and what follows is pure insanity. his ex-fiance's cousin was a prostitute and she was killed by some guy who apparently was a serial killer and all this went down at a really hard time in his life and he and his ex-fiance were really trying to make things work and he's telling the prostitute to really watch herself and then she gets killed and it makes things all the worse for him because he's really trying to "stay straight and not do things he's not supposed to." which to me sounds like touching children inappropriately and/or shoving household items into his crevices. so no.. i do not like this sub.

back to room destruction: i'm in my room that morning, and Creepo comes in, staring at me, asking me how i'm doing, then saying how sorry he is about my newton's cradle, and he could fix it for me, and i say no, and then he asks if i'm going to fix it, i say yes, and then he starts talking about the vintage record player in the corner of my room and how he was going to take it home to see if it works and HELLS NO. you are not taking my vintage record player. BUG OFF BUDDY. YOU ARE INCREDIBLY GROSS AND I WANT TO CUT OFF YOUR WAIST-LONG PONYTAIL AND MAKE YOU EAT IT.

the wrath the children received that day: the quiet, quiet mad. the mad that's worse than the screaming mad. "i was hoping you all were responsible enough to allow you to do some really cool science stuff, but right now i don't know if that's possible." "i felt so bad not coming into school yesterday with the test coming up but all that sympathy is gone." lame but apparently effective: my classes uttered zero peeps of anything and a girl cried when i told her how disrespectful she was acting to both me and other teachers and 1/2 of the disaster team came after school to tell me she broke my toy. AND, i found out two 8th grade boys "like" me. like "like like" me. oh dang. must be the solid black i wear and my unstyled hair.

we'll just make him feel bad

yesterday i gave out detentions to kids who are not handing in their work and have not been habitually. we have to give 24 hour notice, so of course i get notes back from parents saying that they do not agree with the detention and there is no way their kid is not handing in their work. good job showing your kids to take responsibility. i also had a few kids not show up for detention all together. for those kids: today's class = writing word-for-word out of the textbook for 70 minutes. what i found out later: that qualifies as corporal punishment. that and making a student write something over and over. like if i made them write "one of the reasons our educational system is in the toilet is because there is no fear of punishment or being made to do something you really don't want to do." this, of course, is juxtaposed with teachers who whisper ever so gently in their students' ears that they will "break their neck if they open their mouth to say something like that again" just quietly enough for no one else to hear, and can calmly deny ever saying it if it comes up later. and yes, a teacher told me that yesterday. and yes, he is one of my favorite people and wears fantastic shoes and is the most feminine male we have on staff.

yesterday i also walked out of my room to see two huge, gross baltimore police officers patrolling the halls. i caught stride with a kid, we both looked back kind of befuddled, and i said "what are they doing here? don't they have anything better to do?" and oh did he giggle. the security guard that likes my boobs later came into my room and i asked him what was up with the po-po. turns out some kid called north avenue (school headquarters) saying there was some riot at the school and we were in lockdown. not true. i asked "why would you do that?" and the security guard's response "because half of baltimore is made up of assholes. you didn't know that?" turns out there were helicopters flying above the school, although you never would have known that had you asked a teacher if anything was going down at the school. we just see police officers strolling through the halls like storm troopers with bad haircuts.

the awesome moment of the day: we're listening to the afternoon announcements and some kid's letter to obama is being read and it makes no sense and is super boring and at a point says something about a "victorious win." that's when one of my students asks "but how could you have a win that isn't victorious? that doesn't make any sense." well done, sir. i laughed quite hard and then told him that the bush victory in 2004 is the only example of an "unvictorious win" that i could think of.

dog jerky

so i decided to dog-sit Izzy this weekend. Izzy is Professor Proton's non-sexual domestic life partner. they like each other very much and the pictures are what happens when these two creatures get together. lots of romping and tromping and then total exhaustion.

we had a nice day yesterday: took a trip to the dog park, watched "A Bucket of Blood," finished Valley of the Dolls. good day. we all settle in for the evening and i decide it's best to put all of us in the same room (my bedroom) to prevent any whining/crying. BIGGEST FUCKING MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. i was trying to get started on a great new book my sister sent me, but had a bit of a difficult time getting into it due to the beasts frolicking and romping on top of page 2. Proton is also getting super protective/territorial and basically screaming any time Izzy gets close to the bed. so, i decide that turning the lights off and trying to go to sleep would be the best for everyone. that's at 9:30 p.m. for the next three hours i listened to Izzy run back and forth to the window, barking at anybody/anything that might move outside of it. it was like having country dog visiting the city or something. "WOH, WHAT'S THAT. HOLY COW.. IT'S A STREETLIGHT. AND WAIT-- WHAT'S THAT? A PARKING METER? JESUS CHRIST!! HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THIS?" and then the barking would begin. and izzy is huge. so her moving around sounds like an intruder in my room. so, of course, i need to check every time i hear to moving to make sure it's really still the dog. when she wasn't walking around, she was trying to get Proton to fight with her. at 1:30 a.m. i took her outside to see if all the moving around was due to her having to go to the bathroom or something. nope. not at all. we get back inside and it continues. at this point i mumble out loud "please, all i want to do is sleep." but Izzy's got other things on her mind. i manage to hit dreamland briefly, but am awakened by this heavy weight on my chest. that would be Izzy laying on top of me. i don't know how much Izzy weighs, but it's about 15.5 protons and once Proton realizes what's going on there's a fucking dog battle on top of me. so much dog screaming. at that point i about lost my mind and upped the ante on my verbalization to "i wish i was dead." i guess that sort of was answered cus right now i feel about half-dead. another trip outside at 6:30 a.m. and finally throwing in the towel for reals at 9:00 a.m.

and now they're exhausted. assholes.

explicit... so explicit

this note was hanging in the entryway of my building this morning.

today i had professional development. i'm not sure what i'm exactly supposed to be developing into, but if it's a disgruntled and irritated teacher, job well done. we had to go to a session on "explicit lesson planning." the presentation went something like this:

"so explicit learning and explicit lesson planning is all about being explicit. you need to be very explicit about what the lesson plan is going to be about, and make sure you say it explicitly. ok here, on this next slide you can see what the definition of explicit learning is-- it's about being explicit in your lesson planning. ok... so we're going to do an activity about what explicit learning is. identify those times when the educator is being explicit. then, we'll regroup and talk about the definition of explicit learning."

BULLET IN MY FACE.

and it lasted 90 minutes. bottom line: explicit learning = turning children into robots. pretty gross stuff. i don't know how i can say that any more explicitly, but i think i explicitly think it's a bunch of *explicative.*

just in case you forgot....

how crazy it all was...

today when i was leaving work and walking to my car i noticed a miata parked in the staff lot with a hella bumper stickers on it. 5-6 bumper stickers with all sorts of gross stuff, including the standard "mccain," but there also was a "I LOVE SARAH!" with "PALIN" written underneath it in some gross-ass conservative penmanship. i said "what the fuck?" out loud and then immediately made it my mission to figure out who this creep is because they are 1- teaching, and 2- probably breeding. honestly. you really think they're great enough to have that bullshit all over your miata. you drive a miata. i want to punch you.

caloric mediation

well, i got to break up my first fight this week. maybe not a FULL fight, but the kid that ran the smoke machine got pushed across the room and to the floor by an idiot moron because smoke kid didn't tell him the answer to a problem. idiot. and holy shit did i yell. i don't know if that voice has ever come out of my body before, but i definitely lowered it a few notches and made it BOOMING loud and children scurried out of my room like roaches when the verbal storm started.

when my students weren't being huge freaking babies and throwing each other across the room, they were busy learning about the calorie. such a simple idea. the calorie. who knew that my lessons on the calorie and caloric intake would lead to calorie-eating contests. because apparently in middle school everything can be reduced to a competition. last night nathan g, estimated weight 89 pounds, ate a Big Mac meal and 1/2 an apple pie. total estimated calories taken in over a 24 hour period: 3600. this surpassed the caloric intake of raven, estimated weight 115 pounds and twice as tall as Nathan, even though she ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's last night. this evening ned and soren are challenging each other. great. i've voiced my displeasure at this contest because of the probability of one of them pooping in their pants and all over my classroom.

we also had a lab today where my students had to climb a flight of stairs and time themselves to determine work and power. i was discussing the results with a group of students and they mentioned something about the stairs moving. i said "wait... the stairs moved?" they said yes. i then asked them if they were on acid, because that's the only time the stairs should be moving. they looked at me with huge doe-like eyes and didn't say anything. i repeated the question. one student said "not now, but maybe later." i then realized that they had ZERO idea what acid was and i was digging myself into a freaking grave. and yes... i said half of that last sentence out loud to them.

soren maintains supremecy

once again, soren has proven his position as supreme student. because of his inquiry into whether or not i thought the electoral college was a good idea, i gave him a printed copy of federalist paper 68. i don't know if he'll read it, but he just might. but the real showmanship: we're on the energy unit and i was showing kids how energy is transformed from one form to another and picked up a flashlight. i said that the batteries were potential energy and energy is changed to light when the flashlight is turned on. when i turned it on, the kids looked legitimately shocked that light came out of the end of it. i then said "wow. you guys look really surprised by that light. what are you? puritans in 1858?" and holy smokes did soren laugh. put his head down on the desk and laughed and laughed. SCORE!

and if you haven't caught a bit of children's programming on saturday, do yourself a favor. i just saw a commercial for "wet babies." apparently they squirt water on you when you squeeze them. one six-year-old's comment when said wet baby did just that "you're my baby now." really? if that's the criteria then color me mama. and doesn't seem like squeezing infants is a good idea to reinforce in six-year-olds. i think we all know they take things literally and the last thing we need is a renegade group of children with claw-like squeezing capabilities causing a wave of pissing and puking babies. regurgitating children they then insist are theirs.

puking pumpkins

highlights of the halloween weekend: the professor in a bowtie, ladies dressed as boys peeing in urinals, the simpsons halloween episode, and children dressed as pumpkins. pumpkins with zero self-control. at a halloween party this weekend, my friends and i were enjoying some delicious treats when i noticed an adorable little kid dressed as a pumpkin. the child was being held by his mother, who was enjoying a healthy amount of crab dip. as i'm shoving salsa in my mouth, i notice that the face of the little gourd is kind of scrinching up, and then white puke liquid starts dribbling down the kid's chin and onto his costume. i make a puking sound of my own and start laughing incredibly hard as the baby puke continues, saturating the front of his costume and getting dangerously close to both his mother's arm and her costume. she, of course, doesn't notice any of this happening until about 10 seconds after the vomit eruption occurred. What used to be a cute kid in a pumpkin costume was transformed into a bile-caked, vomit-soaked gross-ass bastard of a baby. good job breeders.

But why would a zombie want to eat a human?

last night the Professor insisted on dressing up for the crew of friends that came over to optimize costumes, enjoy Thai, and discuss the temperaments of dog breeds (weimaraners are apparently the dicks of the dog world). needless to say, the excitement of the evening was a bit too much for him and he passed out con bowtie.

the lesson to finish off the week was a delightful one. we are currently studying kinetic energy and potential energy, so i wanted to figure out a way to incorporate those concepts and halloween terror. this resulted in : 1- finishing off the daily math race by blasting the kids in the face with strobe lights; and 2- watching Night of the Living Dead and determining the kinetic energy of Barbra's car as it is coasting downhill in the graveyard, the potential energy of the half-eaten head at the top of the stairs, and the kinetic energy of zombies of varying masses. we discussed how Barbra might increase her kinetic energy in the car, either by increasing her velocity OR increasing the mass of the car. one of my students remarked that if the zombie jumped on top of her car the mass of the car would be increased. "yes", i replied, "but then you find yourself in the situation where you have a zombie on top of your car. although, it's better than having a zombie inside your car because they have terrible taste in music and always want to control the radio." i then spent the next few minutes reassuring students that i have never had a real zombie in my car.

and man did my students hate Barbra. every class erupted in cheers when Ben punched Barbra in the face, a scene i had kind of forgot about. there were also comments about how "there's always a shotgun in the closet." um.... ok. i even had a couple kids stay after school to finish watching the movie. so great... i'm just hoping that wasn't because their parents don't let them watch scary stuff and now i'm enabling them. but i'm ok with that. we also got into a rousing debate on why zombies aren't technically dead, but they're also not alive either. soren didn't buy it. the discussion went something like this:

soren: so zombies are alive.
me: no... they're not exactly alive, but they're not dead either. they're the undead.
soren: but they're moving around like they're alive like humans. they're using energy.
nathan (other student watching the film): but humans are alive and they aren't zombies.
soren: yah, but pigs aren't zombies either and they're alive. (he then started laughing super hard)

soren also could not get over why zombies would want to eat humans and not each other. i gently reminded him that if anything, zombies are persistent, but not necessarily intelligent. he just shook his head, genuinely frustrated by the whole zombie population. hopefully the conundrums inherent in zombie livelihood won't keep him tossing and turning all weekend.