and the journey continues...

apparently i now need to ask two additional questions when screening potential partners:

1- would you describe yourself as a homophobe?
2- if you yell for your mom in the morning, would she be able to hear you?

i had made the point of asking this fella point-blank if he was a racist or had a serious drug problem, and i received a negative on both of those. however, i am not convinced that that is actually the case, as several not-so-awesome comments were made during the course of our evening together. the following two comments were made within the first ten minutes of our date:

1- whilst driving by the hopkins undergraduate campus, he remarked "wow. there's a lot of asians."
2- when i was describing fells point, he asked "is that where all the mexicans live?"

awesome. that's just freaking awesome. i thought at least i would get the chance to make out with a guy with lots of sweet tattoos and is really tall and i am actually physically attracted to... but no. keep talking.. keep letting that sweet stupid bullshit vomit out of your mouth so you ruin every single chance of getting anywhere near my face or anywhere else. oh... what's that? you want to make comments about "gay-borhoods" and indian doctors you've dealt with and how weird foreign films are ("it was swedish or norwegian or one of those countries where they speak german.") COME ON.

perhaps i should start dates with just laying out the crazy weirdo shit i love.... like people of different colors and backgrounds who think being 100% straight is pretty boring.....crazy books on science and socialism and *gasp* counterculture.... talking about issues of social justice and what we can do to fix things.... giggling about silly films and how outrageous parliamentary procedure is... and folks who are smart and empathetic and awesome.... OUTRAGEOUS.

simply joys

tonight proton made me cry. a really nice, honest cry. he didn't chew up my favorite shoes or drag garbage all over my apartment or anything like that. it was a happy cry.... i had just gone into my favorite sushi place to pick up my order and came back out to my car to see proton absolutely beaming with joy at my return. it didn't matter that we had just been to the park together for 30 minutes, or that i had only been gone for 5 minutes, or even that he knew i was coming back. he was so happy. and when i put down the window so he could put his head out of it, that big dog smile got even bigger. and again, it's not like he's never done it before.. and not that he won't get the chance to ever do it again. in that moment, he was so excited to be with me and have his head out the window and smelling all sorts of great smells and it was so simple and lovely and the next thing i know i'm crying into my shrimp tempura. his ability to be that joyful about something he's experienced again and again was genuinely inspiring and touching and overwhelming... and if you've ever dealt with anxiety, then you understand what a challenge it can be to appreciate the present for all its wonderful opportunities... and i guess seeing proton so elated, so present, made me that much more aware about the amount of time i spend worrying about what could happen, what might happen, what maybe could perhaps if only for a second happen.

so thank you mr. prof. proton.... you are my joy...