this is not a science lab

today my little science brain almost exploded. i continue to struggle with why half the people i teach are in college. is it obligation? is it because their parents pushed them to? is it because they have nothing better to do but drive teachers who are super interested in science to the point of throwing test tubes? could be a combination of all three.

my journey towards apathy-induced insanity started today when i had to set up for a lab my class is doing on friday. the lab manager likes to not tell me where things are, or that she's setting up stuff for my labs, and seems to enjoy telling students how to do things during the lab exercises even though that's not what i would like them to do. so, i'm running around the lab, trying to find some 1 M TE which is a freaking STAPLE of any lab and nope. nobody's got it. and the five people who were in the lab seemed to have no idea what i was talking about. are you kidding? and yes, i appreciate that you can call ralph and have him come in and make it, but i need it right freaking now and how the hell are you running what you seem to think is a lab when you have zero freaking stock solutions of anything, students are spending 15 minutes trying to figure out how to dilute a 5X stock to 1X, and no. don't call me stephanie. my name is dr. larson and we are not friends. especially now. MOVE so i can actually get some science done. this is not a science lab. this is a freaking joke and it's making me seethe with rage.

and then lecture. i had the pleasure of interviewing in baltimore this weekend and observed a freshmen biology class that, interestingly enough, was at a level very similar to that of the college class i am currently teaching. insane. so i started the lecture by asking a question that should have been a no-brainer. we'd been talking about regulation of gene expression for WEEKS, the students have homework on it, and please. you're supposedly biology majors and i'm going to kill you if you can't answer this. so i say "ok... so we've been discussing the different levels of gene expression regulation: at the level of DNA, RNA, and protein. so if gene expression is being regulated at the level of DNA, what mechanism or proteins might be involved in that?" TICK. TOCK. nothing. nothing. nothing. then someone says "bacteria." WHHAAAATTT???? "bacteria?" are you out of your goddamn mind? i about jumped across the room and ripped her lips off. instead, i said "no. not bacteria." a muttering of "transcription" following that.. and i said "ok.. that's right. transcription is being regulated. so how?" TICK. TOCK. again... nothing. and then i decided this was going to be a freaking college lecture. so out poured the science babbling. no time for questions... i'm going to spout out so much information that if you're not confused, which i'm sure you are because you're proving to have the intelligence and gumption of a drunk puppy, i'll make sure to add enough detail and nuance that you will have trouble trying to remember what class you're in and how to turn a CD player on. done. i am done. and no. i will not tell you the answers to the homework. and no. do not complain to me about your grades because you're LUCKY if you pass this class with the sloth-like motivation you're showing. and if you ask me about extra credit i'm going to puke on your shoes.

physical abnormality therapist

my A&P I class has somehow turned into a venue of catharsis, a place where those with physical oddities and abnormalities feel free to give spoken life to the interesting bone arrangements, butt crack issues, and outrageous flexibilities they carry around with them. the impetus for these declarations was our first lecture on the skeleton. quite soon into it, a girl in the front raised her hand and proceeded to tell me that two of the bones are her foot are fused together, resulting in her having zero lateral movement and having to wear ankle braces all the time. awesome. that was quickly followed by my learning that:

- another student has some weird bone indentation in his sternum. this isn't to be confused with the ol' "chicken bone" syndrome apparently plaguing rutland. that's when a bone actually sticks out of your sternum like a little chicken teepee and must somehow facilitate your strutting around all fowl-like with your chest out.

- 55-year-old men have no problem trying to put their leg over their head during the middle of a lecture. and i say "trying" because in no way did he succeed. somehow talking about contortionists and what their little bodies can do signaled an "OK GO!" response in this man's brain that resulted in him exclaiming about how he was able to put his foot behind his head as a kid and then he tried doing it. in the middle of class. in his chair. i screamed and turned away and started sweating.

- there are people walking around with crooked butt cracks. after the gushings of things wrong with people (i somewhere in there heard mention of a third nipple on someone but chose to keep the lecture moving), a student came up to me during break and told me she had something wrong with her. and kind of looked at me..... and then said "my butt crack is crooked. how could that happen?" um............ before we talk about how, let's really talk about what a crooked butt crack is. are we talking a 45 degree angle of crookedness all the way across? a little hook in there? turns out the crookedness is just at the top. thank goodness. wow. pretty amazing how just teaching an A&P class makes you an expert on abnormal tush features.

so... the new nicknames of the class: "fuse foot", "divet chest", and "san andreas trench."