dowser

"i'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member." groucho marx + woody allen

and for me, and my particular neurosis, that club would include the dating community. hmm... you're interested in me? then obviously there's something seriously messed up with you so no... now that you've asked me out i'm afraid we can't do that.

so that leaves me in this interesting predicament. what i want to be doing: dating... and dating someone nice. what scares the absolute crap out of me: dating... and dating someone nice. dating assholes? PERFECT. emotionally unavailable? EVEN BETTER. different life goals? WONDERFUL. i'm totally cool and comfortable and experienced with all of that... in fact, i dare say i am a dowser of sorts in that department. put me in a room of men and i will no doubt unintentionally perform one of two, or perhaps two, miracles: find the most emotionally unavailable single man AND/OR get hit on by a married one. that's right... both of those things could happen in the same night. i was at a one-year-old's birthday party last weekend and very quickly became aware that all of the men at the party were married... i, the single unintentional married man pheromone-secreting temptress, had stepped into a dangerous, dangerous den of married men and tiny tots and snow cone machines. not a good situation.

so, do i continue with this on-line dating thing and work to get myself comfortable with dating? or do i completely abandon it because as soon as someone is interested i figure out ways to wriggle my way out of it? there's still that romantic part of me that wishes for the unexpected meeting of someone and making that great fantastic BOOM YOU'RE AWESOME connection... the problem is my non-drinking movie-loving craft-obsessed homebody self who is getting really good at keeping to herself. and skyping with my sis and her friend and their adorable japanese boyfriends who, although speaking minimal english, managed to stutter out "single? why single?" was perhaps another good kick in the pants. they didn't seem convinced by my excuses... which included being a heavy meth user and spending five years of my life as a pirate.