this is not a science lab

today my little science brain almost exploded. i continue to struggle with why half the people i teach are in college. is it obligation? is it because their parents pushed them to? is it because they have nothing better to do but drive teachers who are super interested in science to the point of throwing test tubes? could be a combination of all three.

my journey towards apathy-induced insanity started today when i had to set up for a lab my class is doing on friday. the lab manager likes to not tell me where things are, or that she's setting up stuff for my labs, and seems to enjoy telling students how to do things during the lab exercises even though that's not what i would like them to do. so, i'm running around the lab, trying to find some 1 M TE which is a freaking STAPLE of any lab and nope. nobody's got it. and the five people who were in the lab seemed to have no idea what i was talking about. are you kidding? and yes, i appreciate that you can call ralph and have him come in and make it, but i need it right freaking now and how the hell are you running what you seem to think is a lab when you have zero freaking stock solutions of anything, students are spending 15 minutes trying to figure out how to dilute a 5X stock to 1X, and no. don't call me stephanie. my name is dr. larson and we are not friends. especially now. MOVE so i can actually get some science done. this is not a science lab. this is a freaking joke and it's making me seethe with rage.

and then lecture. i had the pleasure of interviewing in baltimore this weekend and observed a freshmen biology class that, interestingly enough, was at a level very similar to that of the college class i am currently teaching. insane. so i started the lecture by asking a question that should have been a no-brainer. we'd been talking about regulation of gene expression for WEEKS, the students have homework on it, and please. you're supposedly biology majors and i'm going to kill you if you can't answer this. so i say "ok... so we've been discussing the different levels of gene expression regulation: at the level of DNA, RNA, and protein. so if gene expression is being regulated at the level of DNA, what mechanism or proteins might be involved in that?" TICK. TOCK. nothing. nothing. nothing. then someone says "bacteria." WHHAAAATTT???? "bacteria?" are you out of your goddamn mind? i about jumped across the room and ripped her lips off. instead, i said "no. not bacteria." a muttering of "transcription" following that.. and i said "ok.. that's right. transcription is being regulated. so how?" TICK. TOCK. again... nothing. and then i decided this was going to be a freaking college lecture. so out poured the science babbling. no time for questions... i'm going to spout out so much information that if you're not confused, which i'm sure you are because you're proving to have the intelligence and gumption of a drunk puppy, i'll make sure to add enough detail and nuance that you will have trouble trying to remember what class you're in and how to turn a CD player on. done. i am done. and no. i will not tell you the answers to the homework. and no. do not complain to me about your grades because you're LUCKY if you pass this class with the sloth-like motivation you're showing. and if you ask me about extra credit i'm going to puke on your shoes.

physical abnormality therapist

my A&P I class has somehow turned into a venue of catharsis, a place where those with physical oddities and abnormalities feel free to give spoken life to the interesting bone arrangements, butt crack issues, and outrageous flexibilities they carry around with them. the impetus for these declarations was our first lecture on the skeleton. quite soon into it, a girl in the front raised her hand and proceeded to tell me that two of the bones are her foot are fused together, resulting in her having zero lateral movement and having to wear ankle braces all the time. awesome. that was quickly followed by my learning that:

- another student has some weird bone indentation in his sternum. this isn't to be confused with the ol' "chicken bone" syndrome apparently plaguing rutland. that's when a bone actually sticks out of your sternum like a little chicken teepee and must somehow facilitate your strutting around all fowl-like with your chest out.

- 55-year-old men have no problem trying to put their leg over their head during the middle of a lecture. and i say "trying" because in no way did he succeed. somehow talking about contortionists and what their little bodies can do signaled an "OK GO!" response in this man's brain that resulted in him exclaiming about how he was able to put his foot behind his head as a kid and then he tried doing it. in the middle of class. in his chair. i screamed and turned away and started sweating.

- there are people walking around with crooked butt cracks. after the gushings of things wrong with people (i somewhere in there heard mention of a third nipple on someone but chose to keep the lecture moving), a student came up to me during break and told me she had something wrong with her. and kind of looked at me..... and then said "my butt crack is crooked. how could that happen?" um............ before we talk about how, let's really talk about what a crooked butt crack is. are we talking a 45 degree angle of crookedness all the way across? a little hook in there? turns out the crookedness is just at the top. thank goodness. wow. pretty amazing how just teaching an A&P class makes you an expert on abnormal tush features.

so... the new nicknames of the class: "fuse foot", "divet chest", and "san andreas trench."

werewolf break

i love the 1970s for all its amazing contributions to cinema. tonight's gem: The Beast Must Die. a crazy hunter genius has lured a group of folks who all have been linked to flesh-eating/murder/general bad behavior to a big mansion in his quest to determine who amongst them is the werewolf. the bodies are piling up into a sweet polyester pyre of death.

this latest movie adventure was triggered in part by a meeting i had today with arguably one of the most frustrating students i have ever had the misfortune of dealing with. i mean, there's lots of different types of ridiculous students, but, without a doubt, the most aggravating and fist-biting-inducing are the entitled, spoiled, perpetual victims. and i'm talking turning in unfinished assignments because he/she couldn't get the computer program to run and scheduling THREE different meetings because he/she feels i should give them points for effort. EFFORT. i'm not your freaking kindergarten teacher and trying hard means zippo when you're a nurse and told to insert a catheter in a screaming 9-year-old. and claiming that you're not finishing your assignments because you're ex-husband recently raped you is definitely not the way to start the meeting. an even worse way to end the meeting would be to be yelling at your anatomy and physiology teacher, telling her how unapproachable she is and saying things like "i mean, are you serious dr. larson?" in a snotty girl voice. oh... but i see you're going to go for both of those things and then expect me to help you out. hmm.... not punching you in your stupid lip piercing is taking all the effort i have. and yes... this person has already started breeding.

oh my gosh. the movie has an official "werewolf break." this is amazing.

yes... he has all his teeth

i get it, i get it. vermont is beautiful and calm and quiet and relaxing. but as i was driving to one of my teaching gigs yesterday, stuck behind a semi going 30 mph on a 50 mph road, i looked around at the nothingness i was surrounded by, i thought to myself "why the hell would anyone want to live here?" and yes, i know... visiting a place like vermont can be a great reprieve from the usual intensity of life... but it's a good place to visit. hold it. it's a great place for certain types of people to live forever in and a good place for ME to visit. although i highly doubt that once i leave vermont i will ever want to visit. and perhaps there's some really awesome stuff going on outside of the general area i'm living in.... but the folks i run into on a daily basis seem like they'd be really great friends with the non-smiling, super sad folks of rural china. all wearing sweatpants and seeming to dislike fun, exciting things and working hard to maintain a relatively stagnant state of existence. and again... there may be really great folks out there doing really fun things..... and i think they live in baltimore. :)

if anything, living here has without a doubt convinced me that 1- i belong in a city with weird folks and stoplights and lots of stimulation, 2- teaching middle schoolers is way more fun and interesting and challenging than teaching college students and is what i should be doing with my life, 3- i want my own black hoodie, converse-wearing tikes to live in a place with all sorts of different types and colors of poeple, 4- i want my dog to be able to play with other dogs at dog parks, and 5- dating people in a town where, when folks find out you have a date ask "does he have all his teeth? does he have a job? is he an alcoholic?," does not a fantastic romantic life make. so cross your fingers... my first baltimore interview is this weekend and i'm only a few months away from a return to all things quirky and fantastic.

calvin

i saw calvin peeing on two different things today. first he was peeing on gun control. then he was peeing on "my ex." SPEECHLESS. vermont has once again rendered me speechless.

signs of a good lecture include:1- doing the drug fiend lean to demonstrate the effects of heroin, 2-being asked what sort of natural opiates might be released during sex to make you want to do it again, and 3-explaining the development of the birth control pill and why the idea that it's "natural" to have your period every month is complete bunk. i am currently researching what sorts of chemicals are part of an orgasm so I can explain it the class on wednesday. oh are the boys going to shift uncomfortably.

quite a movie weekend

charlton heston in Soylent Green makes burn reynolds in Deliverance look like warren beatty in The Parallax View

Hormones

You know a lecture on hormones is going to be a fun one. But thanks to some delightful students, this one surpassed even my expectations.

Terrance is in my A&P I class and has a full metal grill and likes to flash it at me and ask me if anything he does (answering a question correctly, picking up a microscope, breathing softly) is worth some extra credit points. It's not. He also threw an eyeball across the room during our last cat dissection day fall term. He's hilarious and great and gives me fist pumps and hugs when he thinks he's upset me in any way... which he never has but it's super cute.

So... the hormone lecture. Terrance asked such delightful questions as:
1- How does Viagra work? (of course we were going to talk about that)
2- Why are you so tired afterwards? (after sex, that is.... I think he was looking for some sort of hormone-related mechanism but I assured him it was only when the activity was rather rigorous, much like running up stairs or being chased by a tiger).
3- Why do you get wet dreams? (I told him it usually happens when you're going through puberty and things are pretty out-of-control. He then proceeded to tell the class he has at least three a month (he's in his late 20s) and kind of shook his head back and forth. When I told him I felt sorry for his girlfriend waking up in that, he responded with “we don’t do it enough” and then sort of sighed. Outrageous.)
4- If you get a vasecctomy, do you still… you know? I assured him I didn't and he then made a “Ugh + exhale” noise to emulate some sort of a releasing sound. And mind you, he's doing all of this while making direct eye contact with me. Oh did I laugh and laugh and laugh.

My sister encouraged me to start recording my lectures because she finds the stories I tell her about them so enjoyable.... so, if you're interested in learning about science and want to hear me go on little tirades about how the government is injecting you with computer chips and monkey DNA via the H1N1 "vaccine" then yay.... post up and I'll get you on the distribution list.